THE SPACE BETWEEN.

The internet is the wild west. It’s lawless. Someone can go viral and be “made” in an instant. They can also be destroyed just as quickly. I’ve been stepping into the new space of deconstruction. Undoing harmful theology and religion, and instead moving towards love, whatever that might mean for my beliefs. This is not a new space. People like Jen Hatmaker and Rob Bell have been publicly walking through this for years. Bless them. I can’t imagine what it’s like to be on the other side of the rage that burns against them.

Someone was cruel to me. It’s not the first time and I know if I keep putting myself out there, it won’t be the last. The person who hurt me is a teacher. And it made me wonder, “is this someone I want to learn from?” I was crumbling to a dear friend who knows how I feel and she had some incredibly helpful words. She started talking about love, vulnerability, and compassion and how you don’t see these things in some of these spaces.

Some of the same hatefulness and cruelty that I see on one side, I still see on the other. There’s this space between, and I feel stuck. Humanity isn’t black and white. It’s gray. Yes, there ARE people who are closed-minded and hateful and complicit and should absolutely be called out and brought to justice, but there are also people who are TRYING. There are people dealing with their own traumas and undoing. Who are working to learn, and we have GOT to allow space for them.

It has made me take a second look at the people I am learning from in this time. I am trying to move towards love and if I don’t see love and grace and compassion in those teachers, then maybe I shouldn’t be following them. Because in the end, that’s MY goal. I want to move closer to love. And for me, that means away from western religion AND also away from those bent on crucifying those who aren’t angry enough.

I believe there is absolutely space for anger. Righteous anger. Anger at those who are hurting others. But there’s also space for grace. Grace for those who are making mistakes and trying and grieving and learning. I recently became aware of some drama surrounding Christian author Shauna Niequist. Short version, her father, a well known preacher, was exposed and brought to justice for, among other things, sexual harassment. AS HE ABSOLUTELY SHOULD HAVE BEEN. She moved away from the area and went quiet for almost 2 years. She recently came out and apologized for not making a statement sooner and realized her silence came across as complicit. She was DRAGGED by some leaders in the deconstruction space. It wasn’t enough. Too little too late. But…she didn’t hurt anyone. I’m sure she was absolutely WRECKED by the downfall of her FATHER. Can you imagine the grief and trauma she had to heal from? Can you imagine trying to navigate that relationship? Is there no space for her? Is there no space for her apology in realizing she hurt people by not addressing it publicly faster?

I just want to move towards love. And so I’m going to look for teachers that display love. And love can mean calling out abuse and bad theology and toxic religious oppression. It can hold space for those who are angry and healing from trauma and abuse. Love can also mean grace. Grace for mistakes. Vulnerability. Grace for growth.

So I guess I’ll be in this VERY uncomfortable space between. Not religious enough for the religious, not angry enough for the angry. It’s a hard space to be. But I know that love is worth chasing.