Questions.
“So have you landed yet?”
Short answer, no.
Long answer, sit down with your drink of choice for a lot of rambling leading to no conclusive answer.
I get a lot of questions about where I’m at in my faith journey. Particularly because I am still involved in a church. I’m always aware of the others that are affected by my openness with my questions, doubts, and changes. But in the end, I am a person. I am a person who had a reckoning with everything they’ve ever believed and thought to be true. Welcome to the pandemic and politics and the rise of Christian Nationalism and homophobia and racism and police brutality and sexism and white evangelical silence and ALL OF IT.
It was like being in a car crash. Everything disintegrated. So now I’m sorting through the rubble trying to find out what I can salvage. And honestly? I’m figuring out what I WANT to salvage. I’m dealing with grief and fear and hope and uncertainty and freedom and it’s all just jumbled in there together. Like when your apple headphones get ridiculously tangled and as you tediously try to figure out if you’re helping or making it worse, you’re also wondering if you should just throw them away and buy new ones.
“Are you an Atheist?” No. For me, it’s clear that there’s more. While I don’t think it’s exactly what I was presented with in standard evangelical Christianity, that doesn’t mean I don’t believe.
“Well how are you still singing worship songs?” First of all, I have never liked a LOT of worship songs. Theologically they’re weird. Musically a lot of them uncreative and uninspiring. There are a few I like and that resonate with me. So really, it’s always been complicated. But I’ve always loved serving. I’ve always love inspiring others. I’ve always loved moving people through music. Usually, I found something I could connect with in a song, even if I hated it, and focused on that one thing. So not much has changed. I still work hard to show up authentically and I believe that even if I don’t resonate with a song, yet still openly pour out love, it will still touch people.
“How are you still involved with church PERIOD?” That’s a question I get from the other side of the coin. Yeah, I get it. I do. Me and big C Church still have a LOT of issues. But I believe in the community I’m a part of. I know and love them. I know what they want for the local area. I know the battles that are being fought behind the scenes. I know the money and time and sweat and tears that are poured into the charities and local groups. I also haven’t TECHNICALLY been in church in over a year. I don’t know if you’ve heard, but Covid happened. So yeah.
“I listened to your podcast and you said some sketchy stuff…what do you have to say about that?” Ummmm…I’m a human. I’m figuring stuff out. When you go through a great loss (like say, everything you’ve ever believed in and filtered life through), you go through a roller coaster. There’s anger, grief, questions, etc. So yeah, I just happened to walk through it publicly. I know there are others on a similar path and I wanted to create a place where they could feel safe. I’m not always going to get it right. I will say things that I sort through a few months later and land somewhere else. The point of the podcast is, it’s okay to wonder. It’s okay to try things on. It’s okay to be sad and angry. It’s okay to come back to almost where you started. The end.
“Who are you listening to/reading/following?” Rob Bell is a big one. That poor man. Step back a few years and he was a heretic in my book. And now he is single-handedly keeping my head above water somedays. He’s helping me reconcile a lot of the anger I felt and that desire to burn it all down. I just got tickets for his Everything is Spiritual tour and I am LIIIIIIIIT. Shameless by Nadia Bolz-Weber was really helpful. Glennon Doyle, Jen Hatmaker…so good. I’ve got Richard Rohr on my list. The New Evangelicals on instagram are great. Progressive Christianity on Instagram, also good. Nicole Serrano is a music artist that I’m loving (look up “Time for Everything” on YouTube).
I believe in love. I believe in the way Jesus flew in the face of oppressive systems and the religious elite. I believe in community. I believe in grace. I believe in a wellspring of life and love. I believe in living on (and for a) purpose. There are things that come up for me that I have to take a breath and really, intentionally look at because the anger and grief can make me want to just throw it all away. So that’s why I’m not in a rush to “settle.” I know there’s a lot of emotion wrapped up in it all for me and I refuse to just push past it to make myself, or others, more comfortable.
So in the spirit of openness, that’s where I’m at. Or not at? And there are some answers to some questions. I hope it helps those who love me, those who are hurt by my questions, those who are inspired by me, and/or those who are going through something similar.
