TRUMP.

I’m just going to rip the band aid off…I voted for Donald Trump in 2016.

That hurts so much to say out loud. I could just stay hidden in the shadows. I could just keep it to myself and move on with what I’ve learned. It’s much safer that way. However, I think there are people that I can help sort through some feelings, because I’ve been sorting through them myself.

Let me be clear, I was never happy about it. I felt completely trapped in the 2016 elections. It felt like playing russian roulette for me. I hated both of them and wasn’t sure what to do. For me, it came down to the issue of abortion. I’m pro-life (across the board) and thought that maybe because of the Supreme Court positions coming up, that the Republican candidate would be the TINIEST bit safer choice. I was indeed a “one issue voter.” I remember staring at the screen in the booth, feeling so torn, shamefully pressing the button, and leaving. I had to right? Abortion.

And then he won.

I remember friends crying in anger and fear. And openly and honestly, I thought they might be overreacting. I knew Trump was a crappy guy but how bad could his policies be? What I failed to realize, is that FAR MORE IMPACTFUL than policy, is culture. The culture that Trump created and encouraged was far more damaging to the very thread of the country than anything I could have anticipated. I underestimated the power of words. I underestimated the cycle of ego that would fuel hateful tweets and executive orders. I underestimated the power trip that would lead to the President of the United States, threatening on a social network to spew bullets at American Citizens. Judge, Jury, Executioner. I underestimated the ego-blinded, iron-fisted ruling of a man who would use the force of the military on its own citizens who are funding that military. I underestimated the empowerment that racists would feel because they seemed above the law.

I didn’t know.

Maybe I could’ve known, had I listened more to black voices. Had I not been so caught up in what I thought was right, maybe I could’ve seen. I want to feel shame. I want to beat myself up. But as a dear friend told me, you don’t know what you don’t know.

I’ve grown a LOT in my adult life. It has accelerated over the last few years. As I strive to become more like Jesus, and care about the things he cared about, I realized everything is about people. In previous circumstances, I’d wonder how I could possibly vote for a pro-choice candidate. But what good is a “pro-life” vote if so many other lives are devalued in the process? It’s hard when you grow up in the church in the south. You don’t realize how many beliefs that are sown in as absolutes. There is no room for grey. But I have found that so much of life is grey. I grew up thinking I knew what was right. I knew the truth. True love waits. Vote pro-life. Capitalism and America is the best. Marriage follows these strict outlines. “I don’t see color.” But really…all of those are just about policies. They have nothing to do with actually loving your neighbor. I know they may have good intentions. I know so many people behind them have good hearts. But, life is grey. And those are all things that deal with the American kingdom. As a follower of Jesus, that’s not the kingdom I should passionately throw myself into.

More important than voting for a “pro-life” candidate, is making sure I love my neighbor. It’s making sure I listen to people from other walks of life. It’s making sure that my brothers and sisters don’t feel marginalized. It’s being humble enough to know that I don’t know anything. It’s recognizing the hurt in others and being willing to sit in an uncomfortable conversation, without feeling defensive, and hearing their hearts. It’s recognizing that as a middle-class white person in America, I walk through my day completely different that someone else and that should have an impact on how I vote.

Donald Trump clearly wants to be king. And it pains me to watch other Christians openly cheer him on. But then again, as I look in the Bible and throughout history, Christians have always wanted a king. I don’t fault anyone for how they voted in 2016. But I’m asking you to please, look around. Think about someone you personally know that’s a POC. Think about how they would feel standing next to you in the voting booth. Because if there’s anything I’ve learned over the last 4 years, is that THAT PERSON, and how loved or unloved they feel, is more important than any policy ever could be. Yes, we have a responsibility to the world at large, but we have more of a responsibility to the people in our immediate sphere of influence. This is where you change the world. This is how you make a real impact.